This Stay At Home Mom Sh*t is No Joke

Today, was one of the first days in a long while where I had no personal training appointments booked (either in studio or on site), no obligation to be anywhere, no grocery shopping to do, and can simply experience what the fall season will bring as a stay-at-home mom.  Now, mind you, I’ve done this before, however it has been 4.5 years since my last stay-at-home mom experience in the summer time with a child under the age of 18 months.  Sure, I’ve experienced maternity leave, holiday vacation time, and the occasional sick day home with my children and the like, but today, was the first day where I experienced my life to come as a full time stay-at-home mom in full throttle.  And…to put it lightly, it was no f*cking joke.

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A Day in the Life of This Stay-At-Home-Mom

3:00 am: I woke to my daughter, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed  as she was ready to play and have a full on conversation with my tired, pregnant self.  My husband was sweet enough to fetch her from her crib and bring her to me along with a fresh bottle and a fresh diaper so I could simply change her, feed her and fall back asleep in my own bed.  (Yes, I’m a co-sleeping parent).  It took a little while, but luckily, my daughter fell back asleep.

7:00am:  I woke to both of my children in bed with me at the same time as my daughter who was ready as ever to jump off the bed.  So, I got up with her and let my son sleep for another delightful 30 minutes.  Those 30 minutes are rare but oh-so-scrumptious when I’m donning my best aboriginal hair-do and waddling clumsily about the kitchen trying to clean up/organize whatever mess was left either that morning by my husband or the night before by the rest of us.

 7:30am: after I’ve successfully brewed a pot of coffee, fed my daughter dried blueberries, and started cooking for myself, my son comes tip toeing into the kitchen for his morning hug.  I love these hugs.  I know these hugs won’t always be initiated by him so I take them in as much as I can.  I continue to cook breakfast knowing that the morning is about to wind up about 10 notches the minute my son comes to.  But, I’m ready.  But before that happens, I decide to leave the room for a moment to use the restroom  (thank you pregnancy bladder).

7:31am: This is when it begins.  All hell breaks loose.  “MAMA!!! MAMA!!!MAMA!!!” is what I hear coming from my daughter in her high chair with a “MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!!” coming from my son in a mocking tone.  I bury my head in my hands just trying to finish peeing before I say anything.  But before I do, I hear a cluster of giggles coming from my daughter and I think…phew!  I have a moment to wipe.  My son has successfully made her laugh and this has bought me an extra minute.  I wash my hands, return to the kitchen, and am able to pick up where I left off and get the morning started with breakfast.

8:00am:  I hear my son banging on the windows and yelling to the neighborhood kids who are on their bikes getting ready to ride to school.  As we live in a condo complex this is something EVERYONE hears.  I go on my daily repeat of “Logan, please don’t yell out the windows.  We have neighbors you know!”  However, today, my son had a genius idea.  He suggested that I make a sticker chart for him to earn a sticker for every time that he doesn’t bang on the windows.  This kid is smart.  He knows sticker charts are for gaining something bigger.  I have a feeling he’s going to be a great business man someday.

8:30am:  I step out of the door to realize that I left the stroller out all night, in the rain.  (*tear)  Luckily I have a backup, but up the stairs I go, with my kicking toddler in my arms to fetch the spare stroller.  While I do this, my son, the social butterfly of the family decides to sing at the top of his lungs and say hi to every passerby that happens to make eye contact with him. I’ve really gotta make that sticker chart.

8:35am: We finally walk the 3/4 mile length to school.   I don’t even care what I look like as I leave in a pair of yoga pants, two layered tank tops with out a bra (bras+pregnancy=major heartburn) and a pair of bamboo flip flops.  At least the kids look cute.

8:50am:  I look forward to my morning walk with Adelie to the park.  But first STARBUCKS.

9:15am:  I begin to look forward to the nice quiet environment, dew covered grass, and the usual morning meditation that I spend with my daughter when we go to this park.  As we approach the usually serene park, I hear a lot of giggles and shouts coming from the park.  Oh boy…it’s field day for the local kindergarten class.  No biggie for me, but as I turn around to find another park, my daughter loses it wanting to go to the park that she adores.  I push my way as fast as I can to the next park and luckily, within 5 minutes (with the help of one madeline cookie), I make it to the neighboring park where she and I sit happily in the grass and enjoy our Starbucks.

11:15am: NAP TIME.   The dilemna: Do I nap too?  Or do I tackle my list?  THE LIST.  Starting with cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen, and my son’s room.

1:30pm: The baby wakes up and I continue working down the list: 1 load of laundry washing, 1 load laundry dried, 1 load laundry folded, 3 rooms swiffered and mopped, all the rugs vacuumed, online work for a dance studio from my hometown completed, phone calls and appointments set for the kids, and dishes rinsed and loaded into the dishwasher.

2:30pm: LUNCH.  Baby screams “MAMA!” for everything from water, to wild blueberries, to apples and finally to cucumbers.  The floor is covered in all of the above mentioned lunch items.  I still need to shower and now…so does Adelie.  A wipe down with a baby wipe will suffice for the moment.

3:00pm: WORKOUT. TODDLER RUN. FOLD LAUNDRY.  This is the mom version of GTL only it’s called WTF.

4:00pm: SHOWER.  This is done very creatively as Adelie needs to bathe too.  So first, I make a shallow bath with all of her toys while I attempt to shower and shave my legs without cutting myself while I try my damnedest to keep her from repeatedly  standing and falling.  Success.  I didn’t cut myself and my daughter had a ball standing and falling repeatedly anyway.

4:30pm: My husband comes home & the dog jumps excitedly on him and proceeds to shake in excitement all of his shedding hair all over my clean hardwood floors.  Adelie is excited too and proceeds to run as fast as possible to her dad only to fall on her butt and throw up milk on another section of the clean floor.

4:45pm: I give the baby to my husband so I can sit for a moment.  Within a matter of moments, I hear the baby screaming in excitement as she runs to the back door to go outside followed by the sound of spilling liquid.  I rush to the clean kitchen to find iced coffee spilled all over the counter tops and my husband trying to pick it up with toilet paper.  *Chuckling shaking head* He then throws the wet toilet paper in the sink.  I fish it out and he asks, “Why won’t you let me help?”  I just blink and walk away.  I’m ready for bed already.

5:00pm: I finally sit down and close my eyes taking in a deep breath.  When I open my eyes, I see clumps of dog hair everywhere,  toys strewn everywhere, my daughter running by with another poopy diaper, and the dog running to drink out of the just cleaned toilet.  Tears fill my eyes and pour down my face and my husband asks what’s wrong.  All I can think to say is

“THIS STAY AT HOME MOM SH*T IS NO JOKE”

This is for all the Stay-At-Home-Moms who do this on a daily basis and hear, “WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY??”

 I will be joining you beginning this fall.  Wish me luck.

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